On Hate

So this entry isn't exactly going to be one of those "feel-good" pieces I generally like to share; however I do want to begin with a short disclaimer (even though I know this puts me at an immediate disadvantage to anyone who is reading critically). I am not all-knowing. I have a level of ignorance that skews my opinion. I am writing about my opinion, and one of Joshua's (my husband) favorite quotes is "opinion is the cheapest form of thought". While I don't ascribe to this philosophy, I do agree that uneducated opinion is cheap; however, our opinions are rooted in the pillars that hold us as human beings, and my pillars are love and responsibility.  Now, following this arduous introduction is this human's thoughts, educated from personal experience and study, from my lens of life.

When I was 15 years old I had no belief in a higher power... it seemed like a good idea, it made sense to be part of something bigger than myself, but it just didn't stick with me. I've said it dozens of times, as I share how I gained my faith in Christ, and I'll share it again; in the school I was in the only kids that really stood out from the others were the Mormons and the Muslims. What teenager doesn't like to stand out right?

Anyway, what drew me to find God was the the fact in my mind that religion was the only thing that really drew people together, uniting them to achieve something good, rather than simply uniting for survival against an enemy. I may have not fully grasped at that time the huge struggle in Europe back in the day when all of the reformations and creations of new churches ended in lots of bloodshed, but it was my view that God's work was, and the people who did God's work, were generally good. I went to many different churches and church services, and studied in depth even more religions. Eventually, many of my friends and acquaintances know, I not only joined a church, but I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The truth I was taught struck a chord with my idea of love, and my understanding of covenants, like baptism, satisfied my idea of what would help me take responsibility for my life.

It wasn't until college that I recognized the vast hypocrisy in my church, from the members to some leaders. This didn't change however,  the truth I was taught, the truth I believe with all of my everything that God is love, and I have a responsibility to share that. This truth: God loves me, carried me into the mission field where I taught and conversed with many, many people; most of whom already believed my pillar of truth, that God loves his children; it was only the details that were different.

And this is where the hate comes in. In my experience hate is bred by ignorance and misunderstandings. Willful ignorance or otherwise I met individuals who professed an unyielding devotion to God and Christ yet hated all of who I was because of the little black name tag I wore, and a message of truth I had to share, not to force, but to share. And as I communed with people on all ends of the spectrum, from many different religions including some of my peers who tried more forcing than sharing, I noticed that the negative people projected their will as God's more often than not... but the humble ones, the preached love... missionaries and non-missionaries alike.

It's easier to be in survival mode in a regular situation rather than a progressive mode. Running on adrenaline against a perceived threat is more motivating than just trying to become better in a static environment. This is why religion has been around so long, it is true, and there is that dichotomy between good and evil, God and Satan, that is perpetuated in our culture from comic books to war.

I guess my point of this is that people use different vehicles to move their opinions around, using belief systems as platforms for words and actions. There is not one religion I have ever studied that teaches hate. While, they teach absolute truth about what is right and wrong, they teach love, and that it is not us mere mortals who are in charge, but Deity. I personally find it abhorrent that individuals pervert religion to push hate, and justify harm to others who have different values, cultures, and lifestyles.

In the world we live in today people are largely stepping away from God because of this perversion of truth. Maybe even they are stepping away from the mere belief that others should be loved and respected because those that are supposed to stand for this love are imperfect and fall short (purposefully and accidentally) I don't understand why this hatred and violence has been around for so long, and I didn't see it before... but I do know that even though I don't see religion as bringing people together for good anymore; truth and hope do bring people together for good. Life brings us together, only it is sometimes unable to be put into perspective after a loss of life.

This is why America came together after 9/11, after multiple school shootings, and after the most recent desecration of human life in Orlando. We know because of our humanity that even though our loved ones can't come back from the dead, that there can be healing in the hearts of those whom they have left behind. There is hope that those who have passed are living in a better place, I know this to be true, and in a way I believe there is more gratitude for the lives of those who are now gone.

Violence comes in many forms, but it starts with a misunderstanding that someone either is not loved, or does not deserve to be loved. Terrorism happens on a scale from emotional abuse to straight up mass murder, but in any level of this abuse to humanity, hate is the root. There is nothing explicitly empirical about it, and the sooner we consistently come together in love, the faster we will be able to heal mankind as a whole.

...yeah it sounds like a cheesy hippy thing to say, but it's true, and I personally would like to hang onto that hope that we may be able to seek an understanding of our brothers and sisters, so that we may act in proactive kindness rather than defensive hate. Maybe do a little more coexisting and less judging.

Sometimes Unaware of Social Appropriateness or Protocol: Personality Theory

     So, sleep has been evading me.. which I don't think is unusual around this time of the semester... but with all the excitement in my life, I don't think I'll be sleeping normally for awhile. :P
     I feel like I have a lot to share about my life, and that this whole blogging-as-an-online journal thing is pretty sweet, especially for me because I think everyone's individuality is awesome and SHOULD be shared. :P And I feel like a blog helps capture that because someone's actually gotta put some thought into what they're writing, instead of just like "checking in" on FB or twitter.
     ...but yeah, anyway. I really feel like I should've posted something super exciting about my mission call by now, and the awesomeness that is now, and also up ahead :P But I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about everything yet I guess... I mean in addition to the excitement... and I don't think I'd be able to articulate it in the best way at this point anyway... but yeah. So I owe a few blogs, about Christmas, Dad's surgery, my 21st birthday... lots of that kray.
     For now though. Personality theory. I'm an ENFJ/ENFP... definitely more Judging than Perceiving (meaning I need a bit more order than chaos... I like to call it designated unstructured time :P... which is contradictory... not unlike my color personality which is blue-red) :P But I wanted to take a second and word vomit/reflect on one of the 'weaknesses' of this personality type --> "Sometimes unaware of social appropriateness or protocol" Now I laughed out loud when this was read to me, because I am a little bit on the uncouth side of the social appropriateness scale. Part of me LOVES it, I mean, lezbihonest. haha, but at the same time I feel like it's that part of me that has gotten me into a bit of trouble/ kept me from acting more my age. :P
     And sometimes I wonder... dang, how am I going to be a good adult? I mean, I've been sober for a decent amount of time now; and since I don't drink or do drugs... so I can't blame some of my crazy on substance use. And, I know I'm pretty dang mature, because I have a deep desire to commit to the few things in life I know to be true. Also I'm a nurture-er at heart, and I think that being able to take care of people in a non-co-dependent way is a mark of maturity. So there is a lot of that. But I just wonder sometimes... since a lot of social behavior is learned, and since I grew up in a pretty normal white-upper-middle-class-classic-broken-mended-mixed-family-American home; how am I not more aware of social appropriateness/ more inclined to be more in this category?
     It is a flaw of mine to over-think a thing or two, but  I mean, what can I say? If I'm gonna be a missionary for a year and a half, and then try and be a therapist who inspires kids who have been labeled "anti-social" or "substance abusers" shouldn't I be a little more orthodox? I mean sure there's all kinds of people in the world, but I'm already treading on grounds that aren't exactly docile--in the mission field I'm already weird because I'm LDS; and in the psych field I'm weird because of the adult-teen relationship tension--so I mean, that's enough going against me already right? Can I really afford to be socially inappropriate?
     Hm. Well, I guess we'll find out. Thankfully, I do have a sense of decorum. I interview like a boss, and so far my employers have still liked me when my personality has shown through, so that's comforting. Hopefully... hopefully one day, I'll find myself a bit more secure about this particular trait in myself, but I think until then, I can laugh about how I care about social acceptability towards my tendency to be socially un-accepted-ness :P
     And with that, I believe it is time to turn the beat around and get my eyelids some sleep.

God is great, life is good, and people are crazy! :D

p.s. this website (http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ENFJ_rel.html) is a pretty accurate description of the general personality types. :)

Pretty Much Perfect :)

     So this is how I pictured college when I was in high school... Trees turning colors, wearing a hoodie (or beanie) a little overcast, and me with a smile on my face... Okay, and there was a espresso machine, boyfriend, and grad school plan too, but life takes its turns :P
     Today was a wonderful day, I woke up at 7:06 and thought "Oh CRAP, I have a meeting at 8!" ... so classic sleeping in thang right. But I still somehow managed to get ready, look semi-presentable, have roomie prayer and head out the door in time to get to my meeting. And on my way up to campus, I ran into some wardies and we chatted for awhile, I commented on how I felt like I was lookin' like a homeless bum (I decided that I'm just going to go through my 5-pack of white v-necks this week... so I'm not like lookin super fly or anything...) but one of the guys said "well, you look like a freshly showered bum, if you're really trying to pull off the homeless look."
     So I finally make it to my meeting, after some good conversation, and domination of the RB hill... well it generally dominates me, but whateves. I get to the meeting, and I'm currently assisting with 2 research projects, one of which I'm organizing the collaborative effort, and the second of which I'm mainly doing data entry. But I realize... "Wow, I've learned a LOT of stuff just from doing things, not necessarily from a textbook or in the classroom..." I've picked up some sweet skills, like ORGANIZING! I've got some sweet organizational skills... I'm also good at getting people together, making spreadsheets efficient, and setting up a project or something without taking it over... I can take direction and help it become the awesomeness it was meant for! :D Anyways, it was cool coming to that realization, and coming to terms with the nerdy research side of me that wants to find findings, write up lit reviews, and see if seemingly meaningless digits can show profound patterns.
     The day just gets better as I stroll outside looking for a nice place to read my scriptures, and I just fell in LOVE with the clouds! The weather was PERFECT today! Eventually I settle into a bench at the JSB, read, and then take a little nap before one of the best devotionals I've ever heard in my LIFE! I got to enjoy it with good friends too, which is always a plus! One of them is just so sweet, it's like I'm the only person in the world when she's talking to me :P I wonder sometimes how it's even possible to just give ALL of yourself to people, even though relationships aren't really going to last that long... I mean I'm in college right... but it hit me today, again, that it's because our time is limited that we need to invest ALL we have into others, and try to do our best to succeed in life.
     The devotional today was about happiness and staying positive, and it was truly amazing :)
     Two classes, work, homework, and a little bit of reading later it's 6pm and I head home to do some laundry, eat a bit, write a couple missionaries, and get ready to run. I accomplished ALL of that PLUS folding my clothes! And I was pretty proud of myself for going 3.25 miles in just over 30 min :) After said fun, I was able to have some awesome conversation with the roomies, and it was fun/interesting/nerdy for me to go on a tangent about mental health stuff, and talk about the hospital I volunteered at for the past two years. One of my roomies is a psych major too, so it was fun to talk about abnormal psychology and behaviors, and just the unique undergraduate experience we get to have/our limited, yet interesting, and special perspective on the world.
     Anyway, through and through it was pretty much a perfect day. Life isn't what I've planned it to be, but I am doing what I love, I'm loving what I do, and I'm happy. Heavenly Father's hand is clearly blessing my life, and I am so blessed to have just another day. :)

And I'm seriously looking forward to the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that! :) ...even though I do have tests this week... God is great, life is good, and people are crazy!