from uncharted territory to the most worn down pathways society has created... basically it's everyday life
...the next chapter has begun!
Monday, December 3, 2012
No Day But Today
From age 11-16 I viewed turning 21 as being a bad-a college kid who didn't have to commit status offenses when she wanted to have fun with her friends. Then about 5 years ago I woke up in the emergency room of a hospital. I don't remember much about that visit, but the parts I have are vivid. My first thought, crap... now my parents know I've been drinking... What I didn't understand then is that even an invincible, limitless teenager (like myself) could become an alcoholic. I had the special predisposed genetics that sent "dang-this-is-the-bomb!" signals to my developing brain when I would have a drink, and it was cool when I was 12 to like the burning that comes from sipping on straight liquor.
A short 4 days after my 16th birthday, 1 December 2007, I drank an entire bottle of rum in about an hour, a small one, but it was still about 16-20 oz of this really cheap rum. For those of you who don't know what a drink is, a 1/2oz of hard liquor is considered 1 drink. And it takes about an hour for the alcohol dehydrogenase in your body to break it down. So in an extremely short time period I downed the equivalent of more than 30 drinks even though my mind blacked about about half way through the bottle, my body kept going, and my blood alcohol levels shot through the roof.
Somewhere between comatose and complete-heart-and-other-organ failure I was on the phone with my friend Jacy. She was semi-used to getting a drunk call from me every so often, but there was something different about this time. She knelt with her mom and prayed for me. Even though she knew that I might hate her for telling my parents that I was drinking, she felt that I needed help. An ambulance came and EMTs carried me down the 2 flights of stairs in our townhouse after my parents found me stumbling around my bedroom.
I woke up strapped to a hospital bed, among the blur that is my memory of that night I remember someone telling me that it was a miracle that I was alive, and my blood alcohol was over 5x the legal limit... somewhere between coma and death. I remember not even caring that I'd just escaped death, and then questioning why I didn't care. In the days that followed I asked myself what I was thinking drinking that much, and why the heck I survived that night...
I didn't understand then, and I still don't quite understand now why exactly impacting events like this one have to be in my life. How I'm the luckiest person I know escaping near-death situations, and having the best of friends to be examples to me when my head starts to straighten out. I didn't understand that the actions I was taking to try and control some emotions or give me an illusion of control over my life, were actually taking control away from me. I never thought I would be scared to turn 21.
Just a few weeks ago I felt some anxiety about becoming fully legal, the idea of being able to buy alcohol whenever I would want to just filled me with guilt, and hopelessness... Even though I have intense desires to drink sometimes, I know that my desire to stay sober is greater. So I found myself again questioning why? How can I desire something that I really don't want, with enough intensity to induce some anxiety? Well, that's how addiction works sometimes.
In some moments over the years I've forgotten just how simple the gospel is.
2 Tim 1: 6-10
6 Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.
7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
9 Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began,
10 But is now made manifest by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who hath abolished death, and hath brought life and immortality to light through the gospel
In verse 7 Paul states that God hath not given us the spirit of fear. We are all here to work together and to help each other out, humans are not solitary creatures. I've been able to meet many individuals from quite a few countries in my short time on this earth, and it's interesting to see how uniquely amazing each person's light is. Many apostles have continually reminded LDS church members that others should come to know Christ by knowing them; how you live your life a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should testify of Christ. The first example of that I had was with my friend Jacy, we were so opposite, but she was patient; she and her family got to know me, and let make mistakes, let me find who I was without forcing my potential upon me. They encouraged me to be better, even though consistent mistakes were more than prevalent in my actions. But it was in large part because they were partakers of the afflictions of the gospel, that I was able to survive that night in December. Simple, consistent actions testified of Christ. And when looked back at what made sense in my life when my head cleared up enough to have sober thoughts, I was able to make a decision that the afflictions of the gospel would be better to suffer than the afflictions of the world.
I've experienced 21 years of life, the last 5 years of which I've been sober from a drug that introduced me to some of the darker of my character traits, as well as some other addictions... but life is worth it. I know that the time we have on earth is short, it's full of heartache, and sometimes a couple of hospital visits. We all learn in different ways, but in the end all the answers are simple.
A Jewish proverb states: "Who you are is God's gift to you, what you make of yourself is your gift to God."
A friend of mine once told me: "God will make more of me than I could ever make of myself."
I have to choose every day, and sometimes more often than that, to give my life to Heavenly Father. It's kinda like my ADD meds, I can take 'em and focus, but I still need to DO. Heavenly Father gives me strength, Christ's Atonement justifies my sin, and sanctifies me, I am given opportunity to BECOME better. God's hand is everywhere in my life, especially in the details. I'm the luckiest person I know, and even though there is an abhorrent amount of adversity, guile, sadness, rudeness, disrespect, and hate in the world, there is nothing that can't be overcome with some help. Bad stuff happens, and so does good stuff. My trials aren't easy, but no one's are, and I know for a fact that my life has been infinitely more simple and easy than the lives of many others, but I'm becoming, I'm progressing, I'm preparing; and while I am thinking about and planning the future, there is only need to take my life one day at a time.
The Church is True!
God is great, life is good, and people are crazy... just like they should be :)
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Monday, November 26, 2012
Day 1: A Picture of You and 15 Facts
1. I am a grateful, happy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints.
2. Hugs are my favorite.
3. I feel weird without a knife in my pocket.
4. Purple and sparkles are my two favorite colors.
5. I'm turning 21 tomorrow.
6. I'm the luckiest person I know.
7. I'm soon to be a college graduate.
8. I love to learn, but I'm not the biggest fan of tests.
9. My favorite scripture is 2Timothy 1:6-10, especially verse 7 (:
10. I've escaped death at least three times.
11. Airports are like another home to me.
12. I love the idea of being a minimalist, but I feel like I need to be prepared for everything, so I have a decent amount of crap.
13. I want to work with "at-risk" adolescents and addicts when I get a big-girl job.
14. I dig research and writing about stuff.
15. I'm extremely normal... meaning, I'm pretty normal over all, but I live at the outliers. ;)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Pretty Much Perfect :)
So this is how I pictured college when I was in high school... Trees turning colors, wearing a hoodie (or beanie) a little overcast, and me with a smile on my face... Okay, and there was a espresso machine, boyfriend, and grad school plan too, but life takes its turns :P
Today was a wonderful day, I woke up at 7:06 and thought "Oh CRAP, I have a meeting at 8!" ... so classic sleeping in thang right. But I still somehow managed to get ready, look semi-presentable, have roomie prayer and head out the door in time to get to my meeting. And on my way up to campus, I ran into some wardies and we chatted for awhile, I commented on how I felt like I was lookin' like a homeless bum (I decided that I'm just going to go through my 5-pack of white v-necks this week... so I'm not like lookin super fly or anything...) but one of the guys said "well, you look like a freshly showered bum, if you're really trying to pull off the homeless look."
So I finally make it to my meeting, after some good conversation, and domination of the RB hill... well it generally dominates me, but whateves. I get to the meeting, and I'm currently assisting with 2 research projects, one of which I'm organizing the collaborative effort, and the second of which I'm mainly doing data entry. But I realize... "Wow, I've learned a LOT of stuff just from doing things, not necessarily from a textbook or in the classroom..." I've picked up some sweet skills, like ORGANIZING! I've got some sweet organizational skills... I'm also good at getting people together, making spreadsheets efficient, and setting up a project or something without taking it over... I can take direction and help it become the awesomeness it was meant for! :D Anyways, it was cool coming to that realization, and coming to terms with the nerdy research side of me that wants to find findings, write up lit reviews, and see if seemingly meaningless digits can show profound patterns.
The day just gets better as I stroll outside looking for a nice place to read my scriptures, and I just fell in LOVE with the clouds! The weather was PERFECT today! Eventually I settle into a bench at the JSB, read, and then take a little nap before one of the best devotionals I've ever heard in my LIFE! I got to enjoy it with good friends too, which is always a plus! One of them is just so sweet, it's like I'm the only person in the world when she's talking to me :P I wonder sometimes how it's even possible to just give ALL of yourself to people, even though relationships aren't really going to last that long... I mean I'm in college right... but it hit me today, again, that it's because our time is limited that we need to invest ALL we have into others, and try to do our best to succeed in life.
The devotional today was about happiness and staying positive, and it was truly amazing :)
Two classes, work, homework, and a little bit of reading later it's 6pm and I head home to do some laundry, eat a bit, write a couple missionaries, and get ready to run. I accomplished ALL of that PLUS folding my clothes! And I was pretty proud of myself for going 3.25 miles in just over 30 min :) After said fun, I was able to have some awesome conversation with the roomies, and it was fun/interesting/nerdy for me to go on a tangent about mental health stuff, and talk about the hospital I volunteered at for the past two years. One of my roomies is a psych major too, so it was fun to talk about abnormal psychology and behaviors, and just the unique undergraduate experience we get to have/our limited, yet interesting, and special perspective on the world.
Anyway, through and through it was pretty much a perfect day. Life isn't what I've planned it to be, but I am doing what I love, I'm loving what I do, and I'm happy. Heavenly Father's hand is clearly blessing my life, and I am so blessed to have just another day. :)
And I'm seriously looking forward to the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that! :) ...even though I do have tests this week... God is great, life is good, and people are crazy!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Play With a Purpose :)
"You are young, you have to play! But you need to help others too, play with a purpose!"
He was speaking of our choices of study abroad programs, summer plans, etc. so that we may be able to help those around us, and just generally be productive members of society. And lately this (below) has been my life.
I'm in a philosophy class, and in preparation for a quiz that I very well might completely fail I've been creating a study guide, going over notes... like ACTUAL studying stuff! Kray. I know. :P
But, a two things have stuck out to me. One was The Cambridge Platonists' idea of innate ideas. They rejected Cartesian beliefs of Tabula Rasa and substituted it for the idea that your mind is a closed book, which your senses merely open, there are many innate things just part of you innately. The second thing that has stuck out to me is the big debate over whether or not God exists... which, I'm sure, will continue until the End actually comes. :P
And the third thing that has spawned this musing of thoughts is from a recent-ish General Conference talk. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said this (actually quoting Elder Evans): "'Life offers you two precious gifts --one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will. You are free to exchange your allotment of time for thrills. You may trade it for base desires. you may invest it in greed.... Yours is the freedom to choose. But these are no bargains, for in them you find no lasting satisfaction. Every day, every hour, every minute of your span of mortal years must sometime be accounted for. And it is in this life that you walk by faith and prove yourself able to choose good over evil, right over wrong, enduring happiness over mere amusement. And your eternal reward will be according to your choosing.'"
Time is so interesting to me. I feel like everything I'm doing is helping me to grow towards what I want to become, and that I'm playing with a purpose, learning leadership skills, and picking up awesome random nuggets of AWESOME (like organizational skills... I'm organizing a team of researchers as part of my job in the Counseling Center right now, and the reason I can have the confidence to perform well with this responsibility is because I've DONE it!)... so yeah anyways, idk...
I still sometimes wonder if I've squandered some of my youth by doing to much...
or if I've just done well preparing for the future...
In either case, I do know that I'm walking by faith.
2 Cor 5:7
<3 p="p">God is Great, Life is Good, People are Crazy
Elder Christofferson's Talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/reflections-on-a-consecrated-life?lang=eng&query=reflections+consecrated+life
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Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Humble Pie: Fall 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I never thought I'd fall in love...
It was clearly a fantastic reunion :P |
Don't worry, Sophskiez was drivin' :P |
Basically it was beautiful :) |
I was contemplating all of the places in the world I'd like to visit! :) |
Sister Wilson and Sister Santos are pointing to their AWESOME missions they'll be serving in for the next 18 months or so. :D |
aaand I was writing down some of the driving stats/trip things/ making lists like I generally love to do. |
And shortly after we took this jumping pic, I was packed up and ready to head North up to Bellingham! |
Monday morning we had breakfast at the Baglery in bustling downtown Bellingham. |
This girl is SO amazing!! :D |
Those bandaids are in the pic like Elise would be if she wasn't in the MTC. |
We jumped off this cool lookin' stump. |
and this was the only normal picture where both of us weren't lookin' too weirdsauce :P |
This was the sunrise in OR! (also, you can see just a few of the bugs that littered my windshield) |
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Happy BIRTHDAY Bekstrandskiez! :D
So this is muh girl Rebekah Seastrand/Bekstrand/Bekstrandskiez And TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY! |
But seriously, I've been blessed to know this girl for about 3 years now, and since then we've had great times. Talks in heritage kitchens 'til 4 in the morning, phone convos from opposite sides of the country, spicy sushi (http://featherah.blogspot.com/2010/08/welcome-to-hellfire.html), crazy awesome concerts (Journey/Foreigner and Styx/REO Speedwagon)(See above), talks on random golf-cart benches in SLC, hikes with cougars, hikes up the Y, this girl has been just such a great example of what a friend should be!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Look Up! :D
In a recent conference talk Elder Carl B. Cook of the Seventy said this after describing an encounter he had with President Monson in an elevator: "I was burdened and my head was down. As the prophet spoke, I looked to him. He redirected my focus to look up to God, where I could be healed and strengthened through Christ's Atonement. That is what prophets do for us. They lead us to God."
Revelation given to the prophet Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery in the 6th section of the Doctrine and Covenants states:
"33 Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.
35 Behold I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.
36 Look unto me in every though; doubt not, fear not.
37 Behold the wounds which pierced by side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen."
I am so grateful to be able to say that I have faith in God, my Heavenly Father, who strengthens me in everything I do. I'm grateful that I can look up for guidance, that I have a perfect example to emulate my motivations after, and that I have no reason to fear because of the rock upon which I am built. I love my Savior, I love my Father in Heaven, and I'm grateful for the confidence that I have been blessed with. I know that I am not perfect, but I also know how to strive for perfection. I know I'm better off at the bottom of the mountain, bruised form a fall, looking up toward the peak, than 3 meters from the summit contemplating turning around. I know the hope that comes with a will to do good. I know the healing power of Jesus Christ's Atonement, I have experienced it first hand. And, I know that change is a process to be taken one step, one moment, one breath at a time.
God is great, life is good, and people are crazy! :)
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The 9:11 from Houston
So this is the 2nd time I'm taking the 9:11 flight from Houston to Salt Lake to completel a LONG day of traveling. :)
Anyone who knows me decently well knows that I love airports, and traveling and visiting others, I'm super lucky to be able to fly standby with United and basically fly free (if open seats are available) and I've been blessed to have been able to travel to every single one of the states in the U.S. as well as many countries arounds the world.
I just wanted to take some time to reflect on the blessings that I've had when it comes to getting from A to B. Or kindof all through the alphabet I guess, I've been on 6 (almost 7) flights in the past three weeks, I've been almost coast to coast in the U.S., traveled to some beautiful Carribean islands, and have had countless hours in the car driving around. I am really grateful I have the time, means, friends, and family to give me reason to and help me out w/ traveling.
:)
God is great, life is good, and people are crazy! :D
Thursday, June 14, 2012
And Spring Ends!
And I"M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH FINALS!!! ^^(that's the happy face I have on right now!)
I feel like I've lived a pretty classy college kid life this condensed finals week, and the BEST things happened today.
- I woke up at like 5 in the morning to my roomie taking my laptop off of my stomach and tucking me in after I fell asleep studying
- When i actually got up to study homegirl next door was BLASTING an interesting mix of uncensored rap, heartbreaking country, and some of the top 40 hits of the 90s
- I was anxious so I broke in my new running shoes
- Lost my flash drive.
- Found it!
- Rode my bike to the testing center
- Secured some respectable grades that will hopefully improve my less-than-stellar GPA.
and tonight I celebrate with Tucanos (my first time!), grading, and preparation for a 3rd attempt to get my behind up to Chicago and out of UT. :P
God is great, life is good, and people are CRAZY!
And I love it :D
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Awesomeauce.
We inherited a SWEET shot glass (filled w/ juice) that says "Because I have been given much" Pretty Legit right? :P |
This is my dearest Sophie who just left last week, after she was our roomie for awhile. :)
:D |
College is this crazytrain of change, and sometimes I feel like there are way too many stops to choose to get off at. I feel like I'm dealing with stuff I'm too young for sometimes, and I also feel like I'm way behind my contemporaries, but all in all, I know that I'm right where I need to be. And its jumping like a fool out of a tree into a pond, listening to children swear at the state hospital, staying up all night with one of my best friends before driving her to the airport at 3:30 AM (see above :P), visiting where I started to grow up on my own, visiting salty lakes, and having late-night car-versations with my bwt that remind me that I'm right where I need to be.
After hurling ourselves off rope swings! |
Roomies from Freshman year (minus Julia ): |
The Great Salt Lake |
My BWT :) |
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Spring Time! :D
Isn't it beautiful?? :) |
Yeah, we conquered that thang! (...also I look super conceited) |
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I love you Mom :D
She's taught me so many things in my 20 short years on earth (these are just a few):
1) Chocolate bunnies still taste good when they melt in the mail. |
2) Any holiday is a great one for a card! (and they make good wall art!) |
3) Protein Bars are better than candy! |
4) Minced garlic is easier to work with than the clove-d stuff. :P |
5) Even dolphins can use a hug sometimes! |
6) It's okay to let teenagers break into your house if they are playing a joke on your daughter to make her birthday hilarious. :P |
7) I am good at some things, like baking for instance |
8) Sometimes you just gotta laugh. |
9) Even though life is crazy, you can overcome your fears! |
10) Posing for pictures can be difficult :P |
11) As you get older, you don't always get taller. |
12) Intelligence runs in the family :P |
13) Doing things as a family is the best :) |
14) Sharing is caring. (once I gave a chick from the opposing team my throwing shoes so she could throw... coach got kind of mad, but it was worth it to see a friend succeed. :D) |
15) Always let dad drive! |
16) Work hard, but have fun too. |
17) Develop Your Talents! |
18) I can mix a mean drink... even w/o alcohol. (thanks for the inspiration though mama!) |
19) There's always gonna be obstacles in the way, but don't be afraid to take a shot. |