Light and Balance

This is my song of the day: Light by the Rocket Summer:

All I needed was a light in the darkest place

 I've ever been in all my life, as I try to find my way 

And the changing season of my life and my eyes don't see

The things I love have run their course, are they done?

Are they just beginning?

And I'm old enough to know that time doesn't move slow enough,

And young enough to know that I can't ever be too old enough to trust You!

Higher and higher I wanna go there with you,

Some say your fire, your fire is through...

And I don't wanna think that way.

     So it's been about 2 and a half months since I've been home from the mission, and there's been a LOT of adjustment happening up in here! On the mission the weeks felt like days, and the days felt like weeks; now the weeks still feel like days, but the days feel like minutes! I feel blessed with work, direction, and most importantly a considerable amount of love in my life... it has been incredible to experience the changes that I underwent out in the mission field! I knew I was changing, heck, anyone who read my e-mails home knew it, and boy oh boy how I grew! ...and how I continue to grow! It's been interesting to face similar life situations that I had in the past, and see them differently because of who I have become!

     It's made me ponder a lot on how to keep this going:

     Finding balance on this road I travel is a task for sure... it's like I have a book on my head and I'm trying to walk on a balance beam with it: the book is all my tasks I need to complete coupled with the everyday routine I need to be involved in; and the balance beam is spinning over a river that turns into that waterfall on Emperor's New Groove! haha, but for real, there's a new balance to be found every day, and there's an elegant peace that comes with that new accomplishment.

     Of the many activities of daily life that I've become acquainted with since I've been able to expand the ways in which I can consecrate my life unto the Lord has been working at the temple!

     It has by FAR been the best calling I have ever received! I really love the perspective it gives me on how short this time is here on earth, while reminding me of the importance of this blink of an eye that is my mortal life. The work I do, the work I could not do without my Savior's help... it's urgent, and it has eternal consequence; however, it's not the focus of my life... neither should it be. He is the ultimate and exclusive focus of my life, and I need to continue to allow him to light my steps. Christ is the word made flesh, and the word of God is truly a lamp unto my feet (Psalm 119:105).



     Another place that has helped me to gain perspective has been at institute class, where I'm learning more about God's word in a class on the book of Revelation and the book of Isaiah! :D It's basically foolproof, when you open the scriptures to have the Spirit speak to you and relate it to your life in some way, but in a classroom setting (and taking away the grading part of it), there's conversation and revelation that comes in very few other fashions... we spoke about balance in my Isaiah class, and my teacher explained this to us:

     This little picture shows a person's heart being weighed with a feather... now I'm no scriptorian or Egyptian historian, but in common man's term's I'll explain my understanding of this, and how that understanding has helped me obtain a little more light and truth in my life.
     So they had a belief that your heart would be balanced with a feather... in the scriptures it often talks about "hardened hearts" and how as we go through this life we have an opportunity to receive literal spiritual heart transplants, where we trade in our "stony" heart, to receive a lighter heart of sorts (Ezekiel 11 and 36). When we are baptized, we are reborn in Christ, our hearts change, the scriptures have many references of changing hearts paralleling lives coming in line with God's will. And the Egyptians had some partial truths in their faith (I mean, the children of Israel were in bondage there for a couple generations right?), and so, at that last day when you were judged (the balance representing justice), a light heart would balance out with a feather.
     I remember our teacher drawing another parallel my mind loves with the word light, it's very flexible in its meaning! It's not only a weight, but it's also a source of sight right? When we say the room is light, we generally aren't talking about its weight right? :D Anyway, as our hearts change, and those stony hearts are removed from our spiritual chests, and we receive the word of God, which is literally Christ (because everything testifies of Him), and He is truth and light personified; our hearts are filled with His light, and balancing out with a feather is perfect imagery for that do you not agree?

     Anyway, it makes me happy to think about... our time here is short! My time is short, but each moment is a blessing, each soul I am able to become acquainted with, each child of God I am able to assist on the path back to our Father, each one that is able to help me... it can seem a little stressful and chaotic, but at that one perfectly balanced perspective... from that angle there is an angelic beauty that can only be understood through the Spirit's impression.

With all my heart,
Heather Ann Lagrosa

I Like the Mission Life! -- A Postscript of Sorts

I figure it's about time I write down a few of the things that have been rolling around in my brain as I start so many responses recently with "That's one of the biggest things I learned on my mission!..."

It's almost hard for me to believe that I committed 80 weeks of my life to wearing a skirt, staying in one geographical area without getting on a plane, becoming even MORE technologically retarded, and being attached to another Sister 24 hours a day... but because the few luxuries of life I 'gave' up I've gained so much more perspective and love. I learned that I'm a deep thinker! Why I didn't know that the first 21 years of my life, I'm not sure, but I guess I also learned that I'm kind of unobservant sometimes. :P I learned more of my strengths and my weaknesses, and how to have that help me rely on my Savior. I learned more about what true charity is, how to not just look at someone, but see him or her as who he or she could become! I was tested, in every way and I learned the depth of my conversion, and decided to make it deeper. I've never had experiences where I felt so worthless nor irreplaceable... and all of these experiences, the extreme and the normal have come together for my growth, and my good. Luckily I was also able to be assistance in other's growth as well! :)

But now, I'm fixin' to head back west, which back in the day was the place to go for new beginnings, and it seems only fair that I give the mission chapter of my life a close and share some of my thoughts, goals, and resolutions (in as condensed of a form as I can muster up) for whatever they are worth. There are seven, just to keep it to a nice round, holy number. :)

1) Intention, Truth and Balance
Okay, so I could probably spend another 18 months just writing my thoughts about intention alone, but to keep this simplified I'll just relate this little lesson to Moroni 10:3-5 (a.k.a. Moroni's promise in the Book of Mormon). Where he promises that if you read, and pray with real intent, then the truth will be manifested to you by the Spirit of God.
As missionaries we invited people to make and keep commitments (like reading or praying) to help them come unto Christ. Just as the Savior Himself told His disciples that if they ask the Father anything [anything!] in His name, it would be given them. Well, we know that to be true; however, there is always a price to pay, a sacrifice to make for truth. That sacrifice is our will to be replaced with God's will. This can only be done with INTENTION TO CHANGE (see James 1:5-6).
Therefore, as we go about our lives, effectually to glorify our Father in Heaven, we need to do so with real intent. As we speak with others, we need to speak with intention to help, to love, just as the Savior did. When we look at ourselves and reflect upon our own actions and thoughts, we need to have intention and faith as we face truth that may not be the most enjoyable; and accept gracefully truth that is enjoyable without having it turn to pride.
With true intentions we can receive truth in a productive way and be able to balance out the negative and positive that come at us every day. To be able to rise above the negative, fiery darts of the adversary to ascend to our full potential; and to avoid the half-truths Satan feeds us as we may have a proclivity to be puffed up with unrighteous pride in our personal talents. As we do everything with intention, we receive truth and create balance.

...which leads to my 2nd lesson

2) You've Gotta Get Your Priorities Straight!
One of my favorite things ever said to me on the mission was on a Thursday evening in Midland Texas, from a man of rather large stature as we were trying to set up an appointment to return to see him and his family again. He said to us: "Now girls, there are only two things that matter in this world: God and Texas Football! ...this weekend is just not going to work"
Oh man that was classic, but it goes to show that we each have our priorities! :D For me though, what I learned throughout my 18 months was just a reinforcement of the two great commandments:

1st Love The Lord Thy God
2nd Love Thy Neighbor

With such a focus on becoming Christlike and everything it's sometimes difficult to remember the order of these two commandments in how we prioritize our lives. In my experience though, I've learned that you really can't love others to your full capacity without loving God fully first! With all of that though, with these priorities, I've learned that since we are imperfect our "fullness" capacity changes a little bit from day to day. So we need to work hard, and as we keep God first in our lives, and don't cheat ourselves out of the blessings of understanding our full potential, we will be able to love those around us without fear of our imperfections (or theirs) getting in the way.

...which leads to my 3rd lesson

3) Take Personal Responsibility (TPR)
This is one of my favorite lessons I've had re-edified on my mission! I always was taught as I was growing up to be responsible (which I've seen taught less and less over the past few years), but taking responsibility for your actions is the ONLY way that you can be the change you want to see in the world! Being responsible is the ONLY way you can have the freedom to do what you need to do to be your best self! And taking personal responsibility was taught to us very lovingly and honestly by our dear Savior, Jesus Christ.
Through His entire life, He exemplified that He was truly the Only Begotten Son of God. From teaching in the temple as a 12 year old child to His formal 3 year ministry that we have a little bit of a better record of... Jesus 1st knew that He was the Son of God and 2nd showed that knowledge (let's just say He took responsibility for that) by living in a way that everyone else who observed Him knew it too...
Even though it angered some, even though Jesus Christ was betrayed by one of His closest friends, He never ever blamed anyone else for the trials He went through, He never complained about the wickedness around Him and used it as an excuse to sin, but He lived true to who He was and what He was called here to do.
So the lesson I learned from Him, and from my mission, is that even though I have a million and a half things that I could blame for my shortcomings I simply cannot do it. I can't... I'm by no means perfect as my Savior is; however, I am an agent unto my own self, and I must act accordingly. My elevator may stop a few floors short of the the top of the building, and I may be tired from a long day of working my hardest and still not having everything done that I need to, but I can use that knowledge of my shortcomings and improve! I can take the stairs the rest of the way up, I can go to bed earlier so I'm not as tired, I can try to focus more, etc. But my shortcomings don't take away from my worth, but I know I'm meant for the top floor, so I'm not going to settle for less either!

Which leads me to my next lesson!

4) Love and Understanding
As I've learned about intention, priorities, and responsibility, I've realized that all of these practical life lessons (which pretty perfectly have gospel parallels... I'd even say they are gospel lessons, with mortal life parallels, but I digress...), with all of these lessons there is a root in love and understanding!

My life would not be, if it were not for love!

And it could not continue had I not sought for understanding.

Everything in my life is pretty meaningless without love... It's my motive for everything in one way or another. Love is understanding also. Quite a few of you who read this blog know my background, you know how my life has changed just a step at a time, and the reason for the great change that has come to be is the simple fact that I was able to feel God's love! Since that night I had my first prayer answered, I've been working hard to understand it more... it's no longer enough to just know He loves me... I need to experience it everyday, and my understanding of the truthful statement: Heather Ann Lagrosa you are a daughter of God and He loves you so much! just increases exponentially. I know I would not have chosen to be here on this earth had I not know that God loves me, I would not have stuck around had I not learned it again, and I could not continue to survive without the hunger to continue to understand that better...

Which leads me to lesson five!

5) The Basics Keep You Fit
In finding balance while progressing, I've learned that a schedule really keeps me sane! :D We always taught CPR (Church, Pray, Read Your Scriptures!) on the mission to keep us spiritually alive. And boy oh boy! has my testimony grown of that fact!!!! :D
In finding balance between the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual parts of ourselves in this crazy-demanding life we live, we need to do basic things every day to continue to function and stay fit (mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually!) For me, my basics are:
Mentally, I've got to be learning something daily- I need to stimulate my brain, make connections to things and find parallels and truth!
Physically- I need to run, walk, do something active to give my brain a break, and be more aware of this temple that holds my spirit.
Emotionally- I need to have depth in conversation, I need to focus on gratitude, and I need to feel productive/helpful.
Spiritually- I need CPR just like the rest of everyone else, I've also learned that I need to attend the temple, and I need to make a connection from the scriptures to 1- my life and 2- love EVERY DAY... otherwise I struggle.

Now these are just my basics, but it does lead to the next lesson I've learned...

6) Communication Is Everything
You really learn a lot about yourself and how you deal with other people by being attached to one other person 24/7 for 6 weeks at a time! In getting needs met, it is imperative that you have 3 lines of communication that are open.
1st- with Heavenly Father - I've learned that this truly is key to happiness is being open in conversation with Him, because He cares about the details of my life, but He doesn't micro-manage and just take all the bad stuff away when I ask, but He allows me to LEARN, and grow!
2nd- with myself - I'm probably the luckiest person in the world, because I get to spend 24 hours a day with myself! (...and I wonder why some people think I'm conceited... anyway, there is only partial truth to that last sentence :P) But, I've learned, especially on the mission that I need to be honest with myself about my own personal needs. They are different than most other people's needs, because I'm different, just like you, your family, etc.... but I need to be honest with myself so I can be teachable and open to 1- receiving help, and 2- growing and seeing my needs change
3rd- with those around you- Now this is not to say to just spill your guts to strangers on the street (although as a missionary you do just kind of give a piece your soul to everyone as you share your testimony with them...) but, what this means to me is that you need to be open with others so that you can receive help. We are all neighbors, we are all part of God's family, we all have a slight obligation to respect those around us. This is important to remember because Heavenly Father often uses others to answer our prayers, whether it's helping us gain a new perspective to giving us a shoulder to cry on, we need to have an open line with one another to be our best!

...and now for the best piece of advice:

7) DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!
Okay, so coming right after the communication lesson, this isn't something like: hey carry a voice recorder around with you and transcribe your life, but something I learned on my mission is that material items kind of suck, and you really can't replace memories! I know my most valued possessions are my journals and my pictures... aside from my scriptures lol, but there is no better way to 1- remember the awesomeness that you're blessed with and 2- show gratitude for it than by writing it down so you can remember it!
Journals, pictures, letters... all amazingness!
My study journal is almost more favorite than my regular journal, because it's neat to see how the exact same words in the scriptures have a different effect on me and my thoughts over time.
Also, I have random thoughts journals, and theories and memoir... all in the works, but hey, we're all a work in progress right? :D
But pictures... now THERE is something IRREPLACABLE! haha, now I'm not the "let's get the perfect picture" kind of girl -- which isn't always the best -- but, oh man, the FUNNIEST moments are caught on camera! And sometimes those snapshots are worth more than a thousand words! :D

So this has been my mission... 

5 June 2013 - 17 December 2014

18 Months

15 Companions

8 Areas

7 Moves

2 States

1 Life-creating Experience

I know I've got a long ways to go in life, and the lessons I've learned I'll continue to learn. I'm 2 years older, and 20 years wiser I feel... I served in a town with a population of 300 to a city with a population of 300,000. I talked with everyone I met outside with temperatures ranging from 10 degrees to 110 degrees. I taught inside mansions, 5th wheel trailers, and even outside with a man standing on a ladder! I increased my love for running, and escaped a few dogs ;) I learned how to ride my bike and turn corners without hands. I rode and drove so many miles I couldn't even estimate. I ate peanut butter... LOTS of peanut butter. Oh and 7 habanero peppers in about 20 minutes... that one hurt! I got the flu for the first time in my life. I had some of the BEST holidays ever. I read my scriptures. I went fishing. I laughed. I cried. I lived... and some nights it felt like I died before I woke up the next morning lol... I met some of my best friends, and I faced some of my worst fears. But overall the greatest accomplishment to have come from this experience is me... who I am right now!

It's only kind of a bummer I'm going to be changing [for the better] continually anyway, but I know I'm working on a foundation of stone. I love my God, and I love myself. I'm converted and I'm always moving forward. With love and with hope, because I'm not quite home yet!

I love you! Thank you!

With all my heart,

[Sister] Heather Ann Lagrosa

Graduation: BYU Undergraduate Class of 2013!!

If someone asked me 5 years ago what I'd be doing after college I would have just laughed.

But that's me, just a few days ago... with a nice little cap on my head. (And the shirt that lets you know I'm trouble when I walk in ;)

In all honesty I never had plans for after graduation... I think that's why my mind was so set on serving a mission before, so I would have something concrete to come back to. And I was really upset (well mostly scared) when I realized that I needed to stay and finish up school. But I would have missed out on so much.

Namely: The craziest wilderness therapy [presentation] group ever! 

feat: Nicole a.k.a. Munchskiez, Me a.k.a. Abu, Yarelly a.k.a. Ali and (not pictured: Karen a.k.a. Chumpskiez)

we all graduated together (even though Karen missed out on the best part!) :P

I would've missed this girl (Kelsie)

Who was my awesomesauce co-TA in the fall.

And I would've missed out on being the SHORTEST one of my friends! :P

And pictures proving that I'm (even though it's ever so slightly) taller than BOTH my Mom and Father!

even though I'm shorter than my "Daddy-Paul"

and we'd have missed out on this awesomesauce 3:1 parent-kid ratio pic! :P

In short, I'm happy to be a graduate. It's total weirdsuce to me. I've gone from having it all: 2 jobs, an apartment, a car, and a full-time student status in full-productivity mode to being completely job-less, homeless and unproductive in about 2 days... 

I am pretty darn excited for the mission though. :P And the family-time I get to spend before then! 

Why I Want to Serve A Mission

     So as most of you know I am going to serve as a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I've been called to serve for 18 months in the Texas, Lubbock mission! AND I"M SUPER EXCITED!! I got my call about 1 month ago, on February 1st 2013... but it's taken me awhile to get a blog post up, because I haven't really been able to fully express the reasoning behind why I want to serve. 

     I started a countdown to the day I could start my papers during the summer of 2011, I was just excited to get them going, but, clearly, my papers didn't get in a year later. They went in January 6th 2013, after a whirlwind fall semester I spent wondering why the Lord wanted me to wait to go serve. As always though, things really fell into place for me, I have received so much comfort in my call, and I know I am so much better prepared to serve the Lord after the few months that I delayed in turning in my papers. 

     But none of that explained why I want to serve. It's easy for people to be excited for someone to serve, and I know there are a bunch of reasons why I want to go, but I haven't been able to pin-point it down well. Aaand, believe it or not, I don't like to talk about things of importance, unless I really know what I'm talking about (which might be why I'm a little long-winded sometimes... but yeah) sooo here goes nothing:

Some people say that this definition is why they decide to serve a mission (young men get to serve for two years). I learned that families can be eternal when I first started talking with some of the wonderful LDS students at my high school, and learned more about this doctrine when I met with the missionaries and took the discussions. I've learned so much more since those lessons 5 years ago, and I feel that I can appreciate the reality of an eternal family so much more. I know that some of the greatest lessons we can learn, the greatest sorrows we can experience, and the most profound blessings we can experience come from the family. 

     As the only member of the LDS church in my family, it may seem like this definition isn't exactly the best fit for my outlook of missionary service... and if that was your thought, yeah I'd say you'd be right. I think that a lot of people think it's crazy for someone to be totally off the grid, facebook, e-mail, smartphone - free for 18 months!?! Only being able to e-mail family members once a week, and talk to them only on Christmas and Mother's day? Yeah, it sounds pretty crazy, but it's not my work I'm going to be doing it's the Lord's work. I find my reasons to serve rooted in the next three scriptures, the first two explain my faith, and the last one my strength and confidence:

     Moses 1:39- "For behold this is my work and my glory -- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." 

     John 3:17- "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

     2Tim 1:6-10 - "Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands. 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God; 9 Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began, 10 But is now made manifest by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who hath abolished death, and hath brought life and immortality to light through the gospel

     I know that Heavenly Father knows and cares about each and every single one of His children. He wants us to know the goodness and potential that we have, and obtain a desire to work to become the best we can be. I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer, and that it is through His grace and mercy that I, personally, have been able to slowly become a little bit better every day. The gospel is simple, and it is true. Heavenly Father loves His children, His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ came to the earth to atone for our sins, and it is through our acceptance of Him that we can use His power to make the changes we need to in our lives so that we can one day return to live with our Heavenly Father again. My God is loving, merciful, kind, and just; He knows what we need, and His timing is perfect (especially if we aren't feeling it... kinda like that saying "If you wanna make God laugh just tell Him your plan." yeah, there's definitely some truth in that). Heavenly Father knows how to succor His children, even if it doesn't seem like love to us when He lets us go through those difficult times to make us stronger.

     2Tim 1:6-10 is probably my favorite passage of scripture in the entire standard works. The apostle Paul is writing to his son Timothy, and is reminding him that he has been given gifts from God, that even though fear is natural, that Heavenly Father has given us power, love and soundness of mind. With these gifts, we should not be ashamed of our testimony of Him, and part of that requires us to partake in uncomfortable afflictions. But the best part is that we are never left alone, because God is always with us. We can do no work on our own, only through Him. It's through Christ, through His gospel, that we can truly, truly, progress, and obtain eternal life.
     I think everyone should question themselves on a daily basis, and give serious thought as to how they are living their lives. When I've felt fear, or temptation to stray from the gospel, I've taken the time to ask myself "Do you seriously believe in this?" As I prepare to partake of the sacrament, and review the promises I've covenanted with the Lord I think to myself "So you're in this for life huh?" And when I sit down to read my scriptures every day when I could be studying for a test, or sleeping in, I ask myself "Is this really how you want to spend your time?" I don't always get a positive answer when I'm being honest (especially with the morning scripture study, it's hard for me to get to sleep as it is...), but in the end I know that even though it's hard, and even though I'm weird, (let's be honest Mormons are pretty weird, and I was way weird before I was a member...) I know I'm living my life in a way that I'm being the best me I can be. Even with all my imperfections, unhappiness, and clear shortcomings, Heavenly Father provides a way!

      So over the past couple of months, as I was waiting in agony to get my call, feeling absolutely alone and forgotten at some times, to the day I got my call, the evening I was able to go through the temple, and the past few weeks I've been so terrified to go to a new place where I don't know anyone, and I'm going to be the most stationary I've ever been in my entire life (meaning no traveling), I've asked myself again and again "Why did you sign up for this?" I want to bring people closer to Christ and share the gospel in the way that Heavenly Father has provided me (I've always done stuff my own way, and I'll have the rest of my life to make up my own schedule). I want people to learn about their greatness from His perspective. The world teaches us that we need recognition from others to be great, which I think keeps us from fully being able to accept ourselves. I know that the greatness we can achieve doesn't need to immortalize our names in any history book, but greatness comes as we take upon ourselves an eternal perspective. Then, we can share this love, and confidence with others. Christ is my rock, my Redeemer, the reason that I am alive today, and I want to sacrifice a bit of my time and my desires to understand His life a little bit more, and to share that understanding with others. I know there is a living prophet on the earth today, Thomas Spencer Monson who is the President of our church. A church that was restored by Joseph Smith, who saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in a grove of trees when he was only 14 years old.
     I want to go share the gospel because it is simple, and it is true. I don't have all the answers, and I know that I don't need all of them, because the truth is simple. Heavenly Father loves me, He knows me, and He wants me to return to Him. This is true for everyone, and I want to teach those who are willing to learn, testify to those who can hear, and just generally try to be a good influence to the people I have the privileged of interacting with in this life. My whole life-career goals are centered around helping people become their best them by forsaking things that are holding them back (helping teenagers with substance use/abuse/addiction issues). My deepest desire in life is to help people see their own personal goodness and the goodness in those around them through all of the negative crap that weighs upon us in this life. I want people to make positive changes in the world, and understand that there is more to life than "greatness" or money or the next awesome fruit phone. You are your most important investment, and your purpose has no earthly value.

     So Lubbock, watch out! Sister Lagrosa is on her way! June 5th is when the adventure begins. :)

Love, Sister Heather Ann Lagrosa

No Day But Today

     So there are a few different ways to look at turning 21 I guess. I guess I could mark it by my accomplishments, or evaluate my few years through various shortcomings. I'm not usually one to non-jokingly build myself up when I speak; indeed I'm actually usually prone to be more negative about the things inside myself, especially the thought processes that precede my actions... But I can see, and I have learned to find joy in my accomplishments and hope for the continuation of positive experiences in my life.

     From age 11-16 I viewed turning 21 as being a bad-a college kid who didn't have to commit status offenses when she wanted to have fun with her friends. Then about 5 years ago I woke up in the emergency room of a hospital. I don't remember much about that visit, but the parts I have are vivid. My first thought, crap... now my parents know I've been drinking... What I didn't understand then is that even an invincible, limitless teenager (like myself) could become an alcoholic. I had the special predisposed genetics that sent "dang-this-is-the-bomb!" signals to my  developing brain when I would have a drink, and it was cool when I was 12 to like the burning that comes from sipping on straight liquor.

     A short 4 days after my 16th birthday, 1 December 2007, I drank an entire bottle of rum in about an hour, a small one, but it was still about 16-20 oz of this really cheap rum. For those of you who don't know what a drink is, a 1/2oz of hard liquor is considered 1 drink. And it takes about an hour for the alcohol dehydrogenase in your body to break it down. So in an extremely short time period I downed the equivalent of more than 30 drinks even though my mind blacked about about half way through the bottle, my body kept going, and my blood alcohol levels shot through the roof.

     Somewhere between comatose and complete-heart-and-other-organ failure I was on the phone with my friend Jacy. She was semi-used to getting  a drunk call from me every so often, but there was something different about this time. She knelt with her mom and prayed for me. Even though she knew that I might hate her for telling my parents that I was drinking, she felt that I needed help. An ambulance came and EMTs carried me down the 2 flights of stairs in our townhouse after my parents found me stumbling around my bedroom.

     I woke up strapped to a hospital bed, among the blur that is my memory of that night I remember someone telling me that it was a miracle that I was alive, and my blood alcohol was over 5x the legal limit... somewhere between coma and death.  I remember not even caring that I'd just escaped death, and then questioning why I didn't care. In the days that followed I asked myself what I was thinking drinking that much, and why the heck I survived that night...

     I didn't understand then, and I still don't quite understand now why exactly impacting events like this one have to be in my life. How I'm the luckiest person I know escaping near-death situations, and having the best of friends to be examples to me when my head starts to straighten out. I didn't understand that the actions I was taking to try and control some emotions or give me an illusion of control over my life, were actually taking control away from me. I never thought I would be scared to turn 21.

     Just a few weeks ago I felt some anxiety about becoming fully legal, the idea of being able to buy alcohol whenever I would want to just filled me with guilt, and hopelessness... Even though I have intense desires to drink sometimes, I know that my desire to stay sober is greater. So I found myself again questioning why? How can I desire something that I really don't want, with enough intensity to induce some anxiety? Well, that's how addiction works sometimes.

     In some moments over the years I've forgotten just how simple the gospel is.
 
 2 Tim 1: 6-10
          6 Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.
          7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
          8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
           9 Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began,
           10 But is now made manifest by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who hath abolished death, and hath brought life and immortality to light through the gospel

     In verse 7 Paul states that God hath not given us the spirit of fear. We are all here to work together and to help each other out, humans are not solitary creatures. I've been able to meet many individuals from quite a few countries in my short time on this earth, and it's interesting to see how uniquely amazing each person's light is. Many apostles have continually reminded LDS church members that others should come to know Christ by knowing them; how you live your life a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should testify of Christ. The first example of that I had was with my friend Jacy, we were so opposite, but she was patient; she and her family got to know me, and let make mistakes, let me find who I was without forcing my potential upon me. They encouraged me to be better, even though consistent mistakes were more than prevalent in my actions. But it was in large part because they were partakers of the afflictions of the gospel, that I was able to survive that night in December. Simple, consistent actions testified of Christ. And when looked back at what made sense in my life when my head cleared up enough to have sober thoughts, I was able to make a decision that the afflictions of the gospel would be better to suffer than the afflictions of the world.

     I've experienced 21 years of life, the last 5 years of which I've been sober from a drug that introduced me to some of the darker of my character traits, as well as some other addictions... but life is worth it. I know that the time we have on earth is short, it's full of heartache, and sometimes a couple of hospital visits. We all learn in different ways, but in the end all the answers are simple.
   
     A Jewish proverb states: "Who you are is God's gift to you, what you make of yourself is your gift to God."

     A friend of mine once told me: "God will make more of me than I could ever make of myself."

     I have to choose every day, and sometimes more often than that, to give my life to Heavenly Father. It's kinda like my ADD meds, I can take 'em and focus, but I still need to DO. Heavenly Father gives me strength, Christ's Atonement justifies my sin, and sanctifies me, I am given opportunity to BECOME better. God's hand is everywhere in my life, especially in the details. I'm the luckiest person I know, and even though there is an abhorrent amount of adversity, guile, sadness, rudeness, disrespect, and hate in the world, there is nothing that can't be overcome with some help. Bad stuff happens, and so does good stuff. My trials aren't easy, but no one's are, and I know for a fact that my life has been infinitely more simple and easy than the lives of many others, but I'm becoming, I'm progressing, I'm preparing; and while I am thinking about and planning the future, there is only need to take my life one day at a time.

The Church is True!
God is great, life is good, and people are crazy... just like they should be :)

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Pretty Much Perfect :)

     So this is how I pictured college when I was in high school... Trees turning colors, wearing a hoodie (or beanie) a little overcast, and me with a smile on my face... Okay, and there was a espresso machine, boyfriend, and grad school plan too, but life takes its turns :P
     Today was a wonderful day, I woke up at 7:06 and thought "Oh CRAP, I have a meeting at 8!" ... so classic sleeping in thang right. But I still somehow managed to get ready, look semi-presentable, have roomie prayer and head out the door in time to get to my meeting. And on my way up to campus, I ran into some wardies and we chatted for awhile, I commented on how I felt like I was lookin' like a homeless bum (I decided that I'm just going to go through my 5-pack of white v-necks this week... so I'm not like lookin super fly or anything...) but one of the guys said "well, you look like a freshly showered bum, if you're really trying to pull off the homeless look."
     So I finally make it to my meeting, after some good conversation, and domination of the RB hill... well it generally dominates me, but whateves. I get to the meeting, and I'm currently assisting with 2 research projects, one of which I'm organizing the collaborative effort, and the second of which I'm mainly doing data entry. But I realize... "Wow, I've learned a LOT of stuff just from doing things, not necessarily from a textbook or in the classroom..." I've picked up some sweet skills, like ORGANIZING! I've got some sweet organizational skills... I'm also good at getting people together, making spreadsheets efficient, and setting up a project or something without taking it over... I can take direction and help it become the awesomeness it was meant for! :D Anyways, it was cool coming to that realization, and coming to terms with the nerdy research side of me that wants to find findings, write up lit reviews, and see if seemingly meaningless digits can show profound patterns.
     The day just gets better as I stroll outside looking for a nice place to read my scriptures, and I just fell in LOVE with the clouds! The weather was PERFECT today! Eventually I settle into a bench at the JSB, read, and then take a little nap before one of the best devotionals I've ever heard in my LIFE! I got to enjoy it with good friends too, which is always a plus! One of them is just so sweet, it's like I'm the only person in the world when she's talking to me :P I wonder sometimes how it's even possible to just give ALL of yourself to people, even though relationships aren't really going to last that long... I mean I'm in college right... but it hit me today, again, that it's because our time is limited that we need to invest ALL we have into others, and try to do our best to succeed in life.
     The devotional today was about happiness and staying positive, and it was truly amazing :)
     Two classes, work, homework, and a little bit of reading later it's 6pm and I head home to do some laundry, eat a bit, write a couple missionaries, and get ready to run. I accomplished ALL of that PLUS folding my clothes! And I was pretty proud of myself for going 3.25 miles in just over 30 min :) After said fun, I was able to have some awesome conversation with the roomies, and it was fun/interesting/nerdy for me to go on a tangent about mental health stuff, and talk about the hospital I volunteered at for the past two years. One of my roomies is a psych major too, so it was fun to talk about abnormal psychology and behaviors, and just the unique undergraduate experience we get to have/our limited, yet interesting, and special perspective on the world.
     Anyway, through and through it was pretty much a perfect day. Life isn't what I've planned it to be, but I am doing what I love, I'm loving what I do, and I'm happy. Heavenly Father's hand is clearly blessing my life, and I am so blessed to have just another day. :)

And I'm seriously looking forward to the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that! :) ...even though I do have tests this week... God is great, life is good, and people are crazy!


    

I love you Mom :D

This is my Mother!

She's taught me so many things in my 20 short years on earth (these are just a few):

1) Chocolate bunnies still taste good when they melt in the mail. 

2) Any holiday is a great one for a card! (and they make good wall art!)

3) Protein Bars are better than candy!

4) Minced garlic is easier to work with than the clove-d stuff. :P 

5) Even dolphins can use a hug sometimes!

6) It's okay to let teenagers break into your house if they are playing a joke on your daughter to make her birthday hilarious. :P

7) I am good at some things, like baking for instance

8) Sometimes you just gotta laugh.

9) Even though life is crazy, you can overcome your fears!

10) Posing for pictures can be difficult :P

11) As you get older, you don't always get taller.

12) Intelligence runs in the family :P

13) Doing things as a family is the best :)

14) Sharing is caring. (once I gave a chick from the opposing team my throwing shoes so she could throw... coach got kind of mad, but it was worth it to see a friend succeed. :D)

15) Always let dad drive!

16) Work hard, but have fun too.

17) Develop Your Talents!

18) I can mix a mean drink... even w/o alcohol. (thanks for the inspiration though mama!)

19) There's always gonna be obstacles in the way, but don't be afraid to take a shot.

20) Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Happy Mother's Day! :D

Breakthrough.

So if I was rich, i'd be hiring The Rocket Summer to just mindmeld w/ me and then write the official soundtrack for my life! School is kray, work is kray, my tailbone is kray, my sleeping is kray, my computer is kray, LIFE is kray! But really, would I have it any other way? Picture Below = My schedule for next week... :P Daddy taught me how to fight
Working hard all his life
I started out as a teen
And I remember these things

Calloused hands Saturdays
You gotta fight to get your pay
And what I need I know
But I'm about to lose control

I need a break, but I'd rather have a breakthrough
I'm losing my sleep running after you
But still, I'd rather have a breakthrough
So I don't stop making moves
I need a break, but I'd rather have a breakthrough
I'm tripping on hurdles running after you
But I can see it right at my fingertips
Isn't it classic?

Mama said it's all right
If you cry if you lose a fight
Daddy said dry it up.
I'm proud of you not giving up.
I've been battling so many years,
and I've stood up to many fears.
So keep the faith, this I know,
but I'm about to lose control.


I don't know anymore.
What am I waiting for?
I know, I know I'm giving it all I have.
I want, I want to give up so bad.
How come I keep on running?
But I feel it coming,
I feel it coming on.

I need to catch a break.
Yeah, I hope I catch a break. So yeah, idk, this song is an ode to the weekends, especially Sundays, because that's the break I get to put everything into perspective. It's weird trying to live like one day at a time while tryin to keep the eternal perspective. But for real that's a line I can walk w/ some help and practice. God is great, life is good, and people are crazy! The Church is True! <3 188

What up Mudder??

Okay, So I got up at 5 this morning, b/c my computer is wack right now, and while I'm scanning some of my notes into PDFs for 2 of the tests I have this week, I've been doing a bit more research on the Tough Mudder Event that good 'ol Mary Math introduced me to yesterday! For real, this event is so stinking legit... and it supports the Wounded Warrior Project to help vets that have been wounded physically and mentally from war.

This is totally something I want to be a part of and, they ask the participants to raise money for the project. So other than the obvious upsides of having an excuse to roll around in mud with some friends and get through a kick-a obstacle course, I think that this is a great service opportunity to support as well.

So yeah, it'll be legit.

God is great, life is good, people are crazy.
189 <3

Sometimes...

... spending 16 hours on campus is tiring.
... taking a shower is better than an hour of sleep.
... vaccuming while the space heater is on is a bad idea.
... studying for finals is overrated.
... feeling tired and accomplished are the same thing.
... drying your hair with a space heater while reading by its glowing orange light is relaxing
... nostalgia is happy-making
... not using a recepie when you cook = awesomeness
... it doesn't

and these are just a few lessons I've learned from the past couple of weeks :)

God is great, life is good, people are crazy!
The church is true!
(265 DAYS!!)
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